Yet another classic! If only going from the mail room to a corner office was that easy!!
Have you ever gotten a new pair of shoes only to discover the very next day that everyone on the planet is sporting the exact same shoes? You never saw a single person wearing those shoes before you bought them. The instant you swiped your credit card, however, and entire truckload was apparently unloaded in the middle of town and now every single person you see is wearing your shoes. This happens to me over and over, shoes, clothes, cars, electronics, you name it. I never even notice that particular brand/style/color until I own it, and then I see it everywhere. I’m convinced that the same thing is happening to me with this diet. I never really noticed who was gaining weight/losing weight or needed to lose weight until my entire life started revolving around it. Now everything I do and see is some how tied to that little four letter word….diet.
A lot of people talk about losing weight. They look for new workout plans, new diet plans, they get gym memberships, they buy goal weight jeans, the post pictures of how they want to look in a bathing suit on the cupboard doors, they do a lot of things…..but not always the right things. I’m no expert, believe me. I’ve only tried to lose weight twice a few times in my life. The first few tries ended badly with me losing too much weight. This time around, I feel like I’ve found a pretty good balance of losing weight while preserving muscle mass, feeling better, and looking better. So I thought it might be a good idea to throw out some quick tips just in case you might be one of the 47 thousand people that are dieting right now. If not….please, for the love of god, go eat a king size Twix and some Reese’s peanut butter cups for me and wash it down with the most gigantic coke you can get your hands on. Thanks!
- Quit eating. Okay…don’t quit eating everything, but quit eating junk. Can’t have your cake and eat it too. Think more carrots, less cake.
- Start Drinking….ALOT. Copious amounts in fact. I wish I meant booze because that would surely make things a lot more interesting, but I don’t. I mean unsweetened beverages. Water is of course the best, but I drink a lot of Crystal Light. Those little single serve guys keep me in business.
- Quit Drinking….completely. Alcohol is not your friend when it comes to weight loss. Drinks have a lot of empty calories, but it’s not just about the drinks themselves. It’s also about the crappy food you eat while you’re buzzed or hung over, and it’s about the workouts you miss the next day.
- Eliminate all carbs except fruits and vegetables. It helped me drop multiple pounds per week for several weeks in a row. It’s not permanent, it’s not perfect, but it works.
- Go to the gas station and buy 10 packs of Extra Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream sugar free gum. It will change your life. They also have Strawberry Shortcake, Keylime Pie, and Tropical Fruit. They are all fabulous.
- Chew gum or brush your teeth after you eat. I find myself craving sweets after I eat a nice, salty (read pasty), hunk of chicken. In order to nix the craving, change the taste in your mouth with minty toothpaste or tasty gum!
- Keep track!! This is the one that I get the most eye rolls about. Yes, it’s work. But seriously, do you think the weight is just going to fall off without you having to put some effort into it? Of course not. Use an online calorie tracker. There are tons of free options out there. I use MyFoodDiary.com because it works the best for me. It’s not free ($9/month), but it has lots of great features that make it worthwhile.
- Keep your goals in mind. Why are you losing weight? I’ve always found having a very concrete and specific goal was a vital part of the process. Pick one and stick to it. Tell everyone about it so they will all hold you accountable. Hopefully they will be there for you when you’re ready to sh*t can the whole process and belly up to an Anchor Burger.
- Don’t weigh yourself too often. It’s good to keep tabs on your progress, but don’t get too bogged down by the numbers. I found that I was on too much of a roller coaster weighing myself every day. Now I check in every few days just to make sure things are on track. And if they’re not, I simply engage in a little blood letting in order to even things out.
- Quit eating. Again, not everything, just anything that tastes good.
There you have it, my sure fire method for weight loss. Enjoy!