If you surveyed 10 million people, I’d be willing to bet that 99.967% of them would agree that dieting is a total pain in the arse. And if you surveyed those same 10 million people (I’m all about a good sample size), I’m sure they’d agree on some basic expected outcomes of dieting:
Increased energy levels
And of course, increased body image and confidence!!
Yeah…..that’s what I thought too. Boy, was I wrong (except for the crabbiness). I’ll start out by saying, this is not your average diet. I’m not trying to be a certain size or look a certain way. My only goal is to see a certain number on the scale, and that number isn’t coming. While I’ve lost almost 10% total body weight and noticed significant changes in my body, it’s not enough. I haven’t been able to take one minute to enjoy the fact that my jeans are so loose they’re almost falling off, or that I’ve had to go buy new jeans in a smaller size. I don’t look down at my newly peeking abs and get excited. I just look a few inches lower and see all that I have left to lose. And then I think about everything I’ve eaten in the last few days that I shouldn’t have- 5 extra almonds, a scoop of peanut butter, milk and honey in my coffee, that burger patty the other night…ugh.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to show up at the meet looking like this…
Hot stuff eh?
I guess my point is that losing weight has actually made me much more self conscious of my body than I ever was before. I was perfectly fine with how I looked before. I was aware of the fact that I was hauling around some extra weight, but I was proportional. I was comfortable- my clothes fit, I felt good, my fiancé ws happy with my shape. I was very happy with how I looked. Take away 15 pounds…..and I feel like a flabby sack of sh*t. Having to think about every calorie and measuring fat, carbs, and protein (to the effing gram) every day AND having to watch the scale like a hawk has turned me into a 13 year old girl with rock bottom self esteem. I’m constantly fighting this nagging feeling of guilt over the food I ate and the cardio sessions that I missed. It’s not fun kids. I’m starting to feel a bit looney after almost 9 weeks of this business.
I’m sure it’s just a phase. I’ll eventually learn to define myself by more that just the fact that I’m still 2 pounds over my goal weight. I’m also pretty sure that all this self doubt has a lot to do with the fact that I’m really worried that I’m not going to make my goal weight. I seriously think that would crush me…after all of this….I can’t even imagine.
The other part of the goal is, of course, to move some weight around. I actually managed to do a little bit of that yesterday. It was a day of heavy singles for squats and deadlifts. For the first time in my life, my squats felt awesome. I was supposed to do 3×1 at 200 pounds. It was cake. I even doubled it on the last set just because I couldn’t believe how easy it was. I was on fire…..that is until I set foot on the deadlift platform. Eek. My warm ups felt fine, until I got to 245…that felt HEAVY. I was supposed to do 3×1 at 265. I put 265 on the bar and seriously could NOT get it off the ground. After having such a great squat workout, I thought the deadlifts would be no sweat. I was pissed! What to do now? I put 245 back on and decided to just do 3×1 at 245. I did the reps, but I just felt like such a nancy. I should definitely be able to pull 265!!! So I put it back on the bar and got it done. I did it twice (2×1) just so that I could live with myself. After seeing me suffer all night, eventually Uncle Jeff (the trainer) came by and asked me how it was going. My response: “I tried 265 earlier but I couldn’t get it because my vagina got in the way. I tried it again later and got it though.” Really??? Who says that? I guess it’s true.
Have you ever experienced negative results when going on a dieting adventure? Tell me about it!! Or, have you ever been so pissed by not making a lift that you lost all ability to filter?? I’d love to hear the gory details. It will seriously help me feel better about myself ; )